Monday, January 26, 2015

Parenthood: my worry during pregnancy

I had an ideal pregnancy from the start. I didn't get sick, I didn't get heartburn, I didn't get super achy, I didn't get sick at the smell of certain foods, I just cruised. I coasted along, counting down the months/weeks/days/hours until the due date. Our appointments were fairly short. Our midwife  would check the heartbeat ("it sounds great!") check in on me ("doing fine!") and weighed me (okay okay, so gaining 60 pounds during pregnancy isn't ideal, but oh my gosh everything tasted GOOD).

And then an appointment came along that (initially) ripped us to the core.

It began with an appointment with our midwife. It was a Monday. It was potentially the first one that David was going to miss. He has been so sweet, and had come to every single appointment I had. Even though I knew how simple the appointments were (heartbeat/questions/weight), the thought of him not being there with me for even one made my eyes swell. Thankfully, he was able to rearrange a few things in his workday to come with me. We get there, they weigh me ("maybe an extra walk a day wouldn't hurt...") check the heartbeat ("it sounds great") and asked if we had any questions ("Walks? I'll just stay on my couch with my nightly bowl of ice cream. Deal?") and then she, somehow casually, mentions that our little girl had an echogenic focus on her heart. My heart drops and I'm unsure what to say/think/ask. She explains to us (to the best of my knowledge) that it is basically a calcium deposit on her heart. It is a "bright spot" that appears on ultrasounds. Roughly 20% of babies have this on their heart, and it typically resolves itself prior to birth. Echogenic focuses are linked to chromosomal abnormalities (Downs Syndrome, for example). But, the only way it is a red flag is if the echogenic focus shows up along with another "red flag" which can be a number of things. We were told we had no other "red flags" so it was no big deal. We had nothing to worry about.

Except I did. I delayed even thinking about it seriously until we stepped out of the parking garage downtown a couple of blocks from our office, heading back to work. I lost it, and broke down, and David just hugged me. I don't believe he said a word. I don't think I would have been able to hear it anyways over my cries. Something was on my babies HEART. Something that wasn't supposed to be. I couldn't get anything done the rest of the day. I wondered how I was going to get through the rest of my pregnancy without knowing with absolute certainty that my little girl was healthy and okay.

David encouraged told (he knows whats best for me) me to call my mom in the car on our way home from work. I had already texted our immediate families to let them know what had happened. They assured us everything was fine. But, you know. I called my mom and had her on speaker, in case I needed David to jump in and speak for me (the sobbing mess continued). My mom, who always played devil's advocate, perfected "tough love" (in, literally, the most loving and gentle way possible), and always had more of an "if bad things happen, we'll get through it" attitude, said something that I still remember word for word, something that I know she, as a woman of faith, didn't say lightly. Wouldn't dare to say lightly, in fact.

"Mckenzie, I am not even praying for your baby at this point, because I know she is fine. I am praying for you, to know that she is fine.

In that moment, I felt the first piece of heavenly comfort and peace in the situation. I felt relief through my (millions) of tears. I felt like I was hearing what God wanted me to hear right then and there through my mom.

I worried on and off for the next few weeks. But I would always remind myself of what she said to me and take so much peace in those words. Eventually my worry disappeared altogether, and we were able to enjoy the pregnancy again. It crossed my mind every now and then, but it always passed quickly with no worry.

Of course, we had our sweet girl, and she was fine, and continues to be the cutest little potato that ever walked the earth #noexaggeration

1 comment:

  1. Momma's just know what to say, don't they? I've had similar experiences... where their words are just so right and perfect, allowing me to cling to them in moments of needed peace. And soon you'll be the momma saying those sweet and true words to your kiddos :)