Thursday, December 3, 2015

Baby Blues pt. 2

I mentioned previously how I had pretty severe "baby blues" with Penny. The worst of it was in the beginning, but it gradually started getting better. It took several months to get to the point where I could fully enjoy being a mother, though. I truly attributed it to baby blues, and was sure it was normal. My feelings at the time were incredibly extreme, but I have always been a fairly non-emotional person, and when I was emotional, I always had a good handle on them. So when I felt what I did, I figured hormones, baby blues, what a normal woman went through post childbirth, etc. I had always heard motherhood was challenging at first, so that was it, right? The only oddity was that Penelope was truly as easy as babies could get. She was sleeping 10 hours at 2 months, and a full 12 at 2.5. She was so happy, sweet, didn't have any health issues like acid reflux, etc. She was a dream. I absolutely adored her. I couldn't quite figure out why I was having such a difficult time emotionally with a sweet little girl who wasn't really giving me any trouble!

Fast forward to Wesley. Sweet, sweet little Wes! I felt like myself immediately after having him. My emotions were totally under control, it was pure bliss. I have enjoyed nearly every moment, and haven't felt overwhelmed, anxious, or burdened in any way. I couldn't believe how different I felt, and wondered if it was truly possible that it just felt this much better with baby number 2. That maybe the experience helped this time around. Even that explanation, though, didn't seem to justify how starkly different I felt with each birth. But I wasn't going to complain, I felt wonderful and loved my two kids more than ever.

My mom came to help out for the first week. It was so nice having some extra help around, and Penny loved having her Nanny there! My mom and I were chatting one day about the kids and the two experiences, and then she said "Mckenzie, I think you were depressed after you had Penny." It took me a second, but oh my gosh. I replied saying "yeah, you're probably right. The more I compare the two experiences, the more I can see how abnormal my feelings were before."

The next day, David and I were talking about how incredible having 2 kids was, how much we loved them both. We reminisced about Penny and how tiny she was, completely in aw that she was somehow 2.5 pounds smaller than her brother when she was born. Then, while we were talking, David said "Mckenzie, I'm pretty sure you were depressed after you had Penny." bam. It became so incredibly obvious after I had a healthy mindset with Wesley, to see how unhealthy things were before. And two people who know me best noticed before I did.

Wesley had his 2 week checkup, and the pediatrician had me fill out the postpartum depression questionnaire during the visit. When it was just David, Wes, and I in the room, I said to David "David, I lied on all of these when I took it the first time around" (with the exception of the question that asked if you ever thought about harming your child, never never never never never). Talk about denial, good grief. I'm so glad I get to fully enjoy this time with Wes as a newborn, and wish I would have recognized what was wrong so I could have done the same with Penny. But I am so thankful for the here and now and being able to enjoy so richly this time, because I truly have been on cloud nine watching these two. I wish I hadn't spent so much of my pregnancy worried, because it has been so absolutely incredible. 

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